WARNING: A Drive-Through-Guru is coming to a Facebook post near you.

Have you seen their work firsthand, perhaps you know one, or have even spent time in the presence of such a peculiar angelic being?  Like as not, I have met my fair share of Drive-Through-Guru douches and the nouveau-riche halfwits who keep them employed. There are an endless amount of various type coaches or guides online who, as the twisted sadistic irony plays itself out, themselves are in drastic need of coaching; let alone being in a place in life that has deemed their experience reverent and advice worthy.  Facebook, the wet-dream of self-medicating narcissists and Instagram, where anyone can be a model, are filled to the brim with untold numbers of these lost souls. It is case in point: the blind leading the blind – in between their never-ending self-fulfilling prophecies, that is when they are not leading their heard to eternal happiness, love and financial successes.  This person will sell you whatever is the hottest trendiest social ‘busy you’ cash cow they can wrap their little greedy and undeserving sausage fingers around. 

First, a person who calls themselves a guru cannot be one, strictly by its definition alone. That should be the first red flag you are dealing with the crème-de-la-crème of Internet graduated ass-waffle. The titles never-ending, creative too: Life Sensei, Wellness Warrior, Spiritual Guide. There is a title for everything. To the person who wants to be my life coach – what have you done so great in yours to prove to me I should accept your wise and sage guidance?  What “hats” in life have you worn and mastered? What is your level of understanding of human psychology? How well versed are you on matters of metaphysical nature? How high an education on quantum physics do you possess? You can make my business more successful too? Really? Aside from being total baseless claims of complete bullshit, I welcome these same ‘successful folk’ to be open and willing in sharing their W2 or tax returns for the past three years. Prove your worth, Bucko.  Otherwise please take your overly inflated ego and dreams of castles in the desert sky and go pound sand. 

Furthermore, beware the one who can easily and happily sell you whatever you are looking for that day; as he was probably an expert on another big niche self-help craze that sold well in the past – such as how to have happy and loving relationships, all the while his short lived ‘oh so loving’ perfect relationship was a disaster that recently flamed out after one too-hot-to-handle year of magical union. As with love, he also views happiness as an object, a commodity if you will, able to be bought and sold. What he fails to realize is that love and happiness are not objects, they are each a process. Each requires you match your words with your actions; neither can be purchased.  He was probably a ‘best-selling’ author in the past too, for all of two long weeks until his efforts fizzled out and his attention moved onto the next in vogue social change-yourself ‘this week’ trend – also guaranteed short lived.  Whatever is the most popular societal self-help issue du jour, they are on it, like white on rice. People, do your homework, there is no easy way to happiness, love or financial success. And it certainly cannot be marketed and sold to you: save your money, look within, it is free.

The answers are free to you. They lie deep within your inner being.  Most people are not interested in ‘Doing the Dirty Dishes’ of life, they would rather opt for a silver-bullet solution, later becoming even less satisfied. The journey is not easy, it requires going to the deep and terrifying annals of your soul.  If you have never been lost and confused in this strange world, plumbed the blood-curdling depths of your inner most existence, explored the frightening and spine-chilling parts within your being, faced your hair-raising fears head-on, done your ‘work’ in life, slain your dragon(s), as a result, no amount of Law of Attraction is going to assist you. It is similar to what I wrote in my book, Unbreakable Mind, in a chapter on diet and nutrition: If your cells are not healthy to begin with, no amount of vitamins or supplements will substitute a healthy diet; the unhealthy cells are not in a position to receive healthy supplements and so, as a direct result, one ends up with very expensive pee instead.  If you are not spiritually prepared and ready to receive the lessons of the universe, they will not come. Other lessons will arrive however, soon enough; and usually the hard way – exit stage left.

Life is lived and experienced by knowing and being aware of all its boundless possibilities, even within one’s own made-up reality. One cannot know light until one has experienced darkness; equally one cannot know happiness unless one has experienced sadness.  Otherwise we would have nothing to compare and contrast; one does not come first without the other; they inextricably exist and are married in eternal duality – what we refer to as ying-yang, life. The same lesson goes that in order to know happiness in your life one must also know sadness and suffering.  So, if you are only being sold one half the equation to the solution, you are being robbed blind.  In my book I state that in life we all have our own agenda, but do not forget life also has its own agenda. Want to take any bets on whose wins? Life’s does, always; it never fails.  It is only our perspective and reaction that determine the outcome – that hold considerable sway and help determine our level of happiness in this world as well.  These are deep and spiritual matters of the soul, not superficial and shallow echoes of the social media guru of the week.  A wolf in sheep’s clothing? Better he is left to his ways au natural.

The Guru is most apt spending more time in front of the mirror primping and preening, wrapped up in himself, Inc., the perfect social media photograph forever eluding him, than attempting a teacher.  Most of what he tells you can be gleamed from a few hours in the self-help section of your local corner bookstore. He knows not of the masters or their teachings. He is lucky to have read the only a small number of scratch-the-surface books, rarely delving into any original thought or text, and certainly not language. He does not tell you the whole story, both sides of the equation; he cannot, he is incapable. He does not know that of which he tells you, nor has he lived any of it. To him it is all wrapped in theory only; he is a master of talking the talk. Otherwise if practical, he would understand he has no answers. He most likely does not even know where to find the answers he himself is searching for out of life; he is too busy falsely proselytizing them to you. The critical important part they do not inform you on, since they are unaware through all their craft-brew filled sophomoric philosophizing, is that one can only find light the result of traveling through utter darkness. True intellect and intelligence must be bestowed upon us from a higher power. No amount of Guru-Juice or learned theoretical book knowledge will get you there quicker – it is a dark and lonely road that must be traveled alone, only by you.

Some of these ass-clowns are the same ones who will preach to you the value of the Law of Attraction. Yet they do not understand it. They make it sound like some fast food order drive-through of the universe. Yes, hello, I would like an order of a mass produced cookie-cutter McMansion in a suburb, throw in a high paying job, a beautiful bride, a perfect boy and girl and a side of happiness, while you’re in a giving mood. These same fools think that prayer or meditation works the same way.  They think that prayer is a wish list of things you desire in life. As if God already doesn’t know what you want in life. It is only when we have gratitude and thanks for what we currently have in our lives that we are prepared to receive more from the universe.  The Law of Attraction has two parts, but these “spiritual masters” only tell you one side of the story: they sell you on the light, never filling you in or instructing you into and through the dark inner work required to come to true happiness.  Your greatest prayer each day is why you are thankful.  These absolute asses are too busy teaching you their ‘successful’ ways that mean nothing and will get you nowhere – when all you need to do is take the time to look inside.  All answers lie within. 

The Guru who always wants you to Private Message (PM) him or her is also thought to be suspect.  These same type 15 minute rodeo yahoos would also always rather send you a voice recorded message or reply – it keeps them from having to give ‘actual’ or ‘real’ answers that could really guide or aid you, never being tied to the written word.  They are modern day social media snake oil salesmen.  Life coaches with certifications are not as bad on whole, though most are akin to those who enter into the field of study of Psychology – they are trying to solve their own deep inner personal concerns and questions – and definitely are not in any place to be giving out advice or guiding others in life. One can always attend a pay-to-play graduate school like University of Pennsylvania, continually pumping out unqualified consultants, many misguided and unfulfilled, resorting to ABC (insert fancy title) Coach. In fact, many are probably in need of seeing their own therapist or guide in life. Rest assured, either way, come hell or high water, when the next hot ‘sliced-bread’ item comes down the infinite toll road of people’s insatiable appetite for innermost self-betterment, through any means possible one can be hoodwinked, he will be ecstatic to control the click-whirl intimate toll booth reward circuit, smiling all the way to the bank.  You have been forewarned.  Buyer beware! 

You might as well go flush money down the toilet because otherwise these modern day online Bonnie and Clyde fraudsters will continue to take your hard earned money with a perfectly orchestrated and polished smile, while they play off of your insecurities to their ultimate financial benefit. Some of them even have weekend retreats or even go so far as to schedule foreign trips. I would be willing to bet most participants initially walk away happy. But ask those same people in six months what has changed in their lives and be prepared for many blank stares. It is back to business as usual.  There was no real or actualized change that occurred outside the warm-and-fuzzy feelings they all had when manipulated for a weekend away at a tranquil spiritual destination, ignorantly anonymous and blind, drinking the cool-aid with contented delight.  They paid for that part but did not receive instruction how to continue the lessons in actual everyday life because the teacher was either unaware the importance of this, the process of how change actually occurs in a person through daily habit, or was not qualified and/or competent to train you on such.  Refund! 

The newly discovered ‘spiritual rich’ who buy themselves up the Buddha Ladder are guilty just the same.  Somehow they think that because they now have financial success that affords them the time and right to seek out the best spiritual guides that money can buy. Although this same person also thinks he with the most toys accumulated wins the race, it is no surprise spirituality is the greatest atrocious omission from his list of life’s personal goals. This person is the same void of a being as before, now with money – money that has only bought him further disquiet.  Spirituality should be atop his or her wish list, yet it is relegated to another trophy for the oak mantle. What new part of life can we objectify and control this week?! The head monks at the monasteries understand the unspoken relationship; they also understand their monks have to eat. The ignorance of one brings light to many – a fair deal according to the monks. So the pay-to-pray patronage relationship that has greatly benefited them in the past, often financial, continues to assist struggling monasteries and their causes unabated today.  In the end, these wealthy ass-hats only find themselves higher up the proverbial spiritual mountain, with lighter pockets. Confucius say: Never get too high up mountain, no one hear you scream.

The Dali Lama has been quoted as saying: There are eight billion people in this world; there are eight billions realities in this world. Recently on Facebook I saw a post on why this one particular Guru was unlike all others.  Most witty people would have stopped at the first line but rest assured, many not only read on further but also believed this hot-air-filled idiot. He went on to pontificate his experience with ancient cultures and shamans. He had spent 1000s of hours with shamans though I am unsure he could define one or its role in society. He had also notched in his fine Italian leather belt 10,000 hours of laser focused meditation.  And? That means exactly what to me? It tells me you are wrapped up within your own narcissistic mind, concerned with meaningless numbers and your boundless self-inflating ego; that you have no real understanding of love, any matters of the heart or even a shred of comprehension on human consciousness or psychology. It only reinforces and makes clear to all reading this blog, the only thing any amount of personal hours has ever done to benefit you was to make your last Facebook profile selfie look like it belongs on the cover of GQ.  Perhaps your greatest egoic attributes and abilities could best be utilized, no doubt improving humanity in untold ways, by retiring as a douche Guru extraordinaire and morphing into an international social media model-phenom. I hear Instagram is hiring.   

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