How desperate does one have to be to in order to enter into the unscrupulous world of online dating – or to download an application such as Tinder into one’s phone? The answer: apparently, very. What has happened to modern society in 2019 that we no longer allow the universe to take its natural course, instead molding and shaping it at every street corner or local cafe, when out and about, when convenient for our ever-so excessively busy lives – determining if someone is worthy of our time or somewhat, romp in the sheets, with the swipe of a finger? What real chance does that give you of finding true love that leads to marriage and a family? Instead, are you more apt finding a freak-in-the-sheets that passes on the gift that keeps on giving: a sexually transmitted disease; or even worse yet, unwanted pregnancy? Hope you do not live in the Deep South.
How did our ancestors do it? No, not that! How did our grandparents meet – well, you are here aren’t you? Were their lives easier – and ours busier, more complicated? Is that by our own doing: the insatiable need to busy ourselves to the point of self-exhaustion or mental breakdown? Are you falling prey to social marketing designed by psychologists who know what your insecurities and instant gratification buttons are – exploiting them to the hilt, all the while smiling to the bank whilst driving to their weekend getaway beach home? Is it possible there exists another method or way to undertake this thought to be unbearable process? Are you willing to take ten minutes from your exceedingly stressed life to explore such options, or too busy swiping right? It appears you are unduly busy being happy.
Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. Carl Jung
It is a Friday night, and as I sit here in my home pondering how I will spend my weekend, I cannot help thinking of all the people out-and-about at bars and other local hotspots having fun drinking, flirting, dancing and listening to music with friends whom, if asked if they were happy, would immediately reply an emphatic “yes.” But, is that really the case? How many of them are truly happy? How many are deceiving themselves, and possibly overly tricking others along the way in the process? How many of them will fall into the trap of waking up next to their mate five years on, bewildered who this woman sleeping next to me is, wondering who did I marry? Better yet…who am I? Are they even aware of what is happening – how they are squandering away the one commodity that can never be recovered: time? Perhaps the only ones they are fooling are in fact themselves.
Psychology statistics and studies would tell us a different story. With over 70% of people reporting to a job they hate; divorce consistently well over 50%, and rates of marriage dissatisfaction with their partners standing at all-time highs, one might think otherwise. Depression and suicide are also at historically peak numbers presently in the United States. We are taking more medications for anxiety and depression that can be found on record, yet we are still less happy as a society, generally, and in life and our relationships, specifically. If you think, as is the American way, the Silver-bullet theory will solve your woes – that going to see a man or woman in a white lab coat with an over-priced education that made them into a great diagnostician and poor healer, with an MD at the end of their name, will assist or help you to solve anything – I have a part of the Brooklyn bridge to sell you, at a reduced rate; which, today only, is at half price.
Inordinately, joy is mixed up with happiness; people think them one-the-same. Many things provide us daily joy, but that does not mean we are happy in life as a result. The two are vastly different. One is a temporary feeling of elation, while the other is a way of living one’s life – with deep inner fulfillment and satisfaction of our decisions. The tongue only weights on average 65 grams but so few can hold their words to their actions. Happiness is not about getting what you want in life, all the time, rather it is about appreciating what you have in life and having gratitude each day. Each day the sun goes down, but every morning it gets back up. There is a savvy slice of Japanese proverbial wisdom offered in my book, Unbreakable Mind: Fall down seven times, get back up eight. Well, mi amigo, time to get back on the metaphorical horse and start living life again. Happiness is knocking at your door.
When we are not ridiculously busy riding our story horse, we are absurdly quick to run away from our pain. But not all pain hurts you, most brings growth into your life as well. We have become a society of delicate flowers who run for cover at the first sign of discontent or difficulty. Only when we learn to leave our comfort zone and trust in the process do we open the doors to actual improvement. Change is not easy – it requires significant dedication in order to reprogram what was set into your mental construct, locked in by age seven. Embrace the tempest storms of transformation into your life, for it is those that result in the greatest substantial internal change and growth. You spend considerable time in life with yourself, if you cannot be happy with yourself, how will you ever lead a life of happiness or allow others to love you for who you really are? Your divine purpose lies ahead. Giddy-up!
There are no mistakes in life, situations, people or events: Eventually you will end up where you are meant to be in life, with the person whom you are meant to be with – be patient. Making yourself priority number one is not selfish, it is necessary, inextricably intertwined with your ability to find happiness. Though many a smart advertisement or marketed application will convince you otherwise, happiness is not a destination or object you can go to a class to attain, find through a download on your phone or buy off the shelf, it is a state of being. Don’t settle – which is what these applications cause countless unsuspecting people to do. Psychological reasons like fear of missing out or remaining alone aside, one day you will find someone who loves you for who you are, bumps and bruises included; after all, it is those trials and tribulations of life that made you who you are today. No pressure, no diamond.
Love does not have conditions; learn to love yourself unconditionally, first and foremost. Never wish to be better than anyone than the person you were yesterday. In life, having set expectations and attachment to outcome are two sure ways to continually lead you down a path to unhappiness. Take the road less traveled – inward, for that is where the greatest rewards prevail. And being that you spend the most time with yourself, you might consider making that your first port of call. Learn to look within, not without – for that is where you will find eternal bliss, contentment. Your heart knows what it wants, albeit the endless cacophony of ping-pong thoughts from your mind, so give it time – it will come when the juncture is right.
Without the bad days you would not learn to appreciate the good ones – we live in a dualistic world. You own the keys to your happiness; never allow someone else to hold the keys – or to be in control of your energy. At the end of the day, we are the only ones responsible for how we feel. If you give that power away to someone else, you will be endlessly disappointed, probably blaming others, when the only person to blame is yourself. In life you will never encounter a bigger bully than your own thoughts. Learn to get out of your mind and into your heart – that is where the gold is. The most difficult roads lead us to the most beautiful destinations. Growth does not come easy; it is ugly, raw and painful – but, know this: When through the deep inner journey you will be a new person, never looking in the rear-view mirror of the old you again. You will instead appreciate where you came from and what it took to get you there.
Recently I read a post on Stem Cells by Tony Robbins. He should stick to marketing drive-through-happiness to the masses and selling his infinite number of books and seminars on how to change your life. And although he gives people some really great ideas and advice, he only explains to you half the story. He is like a doctor; he only knows what he knows. He and the others in his like-minded fraternity are incapable of giving you those answers or instructions in life – they are unaware; and it would also kill their current opiate of the masses cash-cow they’ve created for themselves – they are all millionaires many times over. It reminds me of Chazz Palminteri’s comment in A Bronx Tale to Colagero, when he says to him: If your father cannot pay the rent, ask Babe Ruth if he cares. He is not at the vibration or level of wisdom to take you there. He could try but it would fail. See people like Paul Brunton.
The dullard with a crafty disingenuously constructed profile might make you swipe right, but that same skilled cunning makes him no more a prince than a man named Dick a Freudian slip. Finding your prince is less a chance of modern dating psychologically guilt driven social marketing targeted to you in order to make you believe there is some utter essence of time slowly dissipating, and more an act of destiny than magic. Learn to trust in the process of the universe; it has worked since the beginning of time. In other words, it is out of your control, give it a break, hang up your dating hat, unsubscribe and delete all dating applications, take a rest – start living and enjoying life but, most importantly, start getting to know yourself, your heart, first and foremost – practicing doing the dirty dishes of life.
Start learning to look within yourself for answers, for happiness. There is no need to download any application of temporary joy, paying Match, Okcupid, E-harmony or any of the other greedy bastards looking to free your wallet of your well-deserved money – it is free – it always has been. It was free 1000 years ago, which seemed to work out just fine for them. Subsequently, it can also help you do so in 2019. As you spend your time trying to fix what is broken, searching out any new compulsive trend or joie de vivre to provide you infinite happiness, the real person you are meant to become awaits in the eternal branches on the tree of life. Until you learn to differentiate joy from happiness, short lived pleasure from long term contentment, what you truly seek in life will continue eluding you.
Although, most likely, many reading this would like to make the process and journey of looking deep within the abscesses of their deepest being a trip to Disneyland, that it is not quite how it works, nor a prudent plan. There is no free ice-cream in the world, Mickey ears or not. Pain is your biggest teacher: listen to it, process it, and learn from it! Media and the social-minded marketing machine are always telling us what we should look like, how we should act, what we should do, and now who we should date and why – get real, people – do you wish to continue being robotic pawns manipulated in this game any longer? Happiness aside, it is nice to simply have control of your own life, to sit in the driver’s seat of an already mostly prescribed and automated car – the chosen vehicle of social norms and society. Learn to trust your gut, inner-self, higher-self. Pure energy does not lie.
Stop listening to the endless cacophonous noise of the world and start listening to your deep own inner voice, your heart. Your heart is pure, it only knows truth. Let your soul shine, guide you. It already knows where to lead you, if you allow it. Unless you want to be labeled insane, it is time to find a new toolbox for happiness. Deus ex machina modern day dating applications and websites, contrived and controlled, will not bring you happiness. Nor will following every whim of your confused loins. Stop searching everywhere, looking wherever to find the smile you desire in life and start learning to look within, the divine is in your heart. The light at the end of the tunnel is not the illusion, the tunnel is – and, as said best by Rumi: What you are seeking is seeking you. Open your eyes, turn the busyness volume down, honor your inner wisdom and see what your heart has to say – imagine the possibilities.
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Doing The Dirty Dishes 
Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Its a good read and I read it to my mom as we are driving back from a week long vacation. We both have personal dating profiles. For us its a form of entertainment on our off days. No one ever meets up so I just chit chat with people on it when I’m all alone and bored. Which is on the weekends when my boy goes to his dads. I do things for myself and I’m happy with my life the way it is. I don’t have friends around my age to “hang out” with and I have no interest in the bar life. I will go do things on my own like hike or go see a movie. I have no fear to go alone which I think is the main reason people are so insecure with dating themselves. Fear of what someone else will think of them if they see them sitting in the booth in the back scarfing down a pound of crab legs. Let me be the one to let you know no one really cares and if you look at the booth closer to the bathrooms you will see a single lady doing the same thing with no regrets.
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I spend most of my current life alone..! I love it…! If I want company…all I have to do is go on line and make a choice…I have never had any experience less than positive from dating sites…always served me well….! And Craigs list,albeit it is shut down, fitted me well…online dating is not for the weak of heart….
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Awesome blog! I FINALLY just finished reading (always something to distract me). Everything you say is true and very thought provoking, a fresh way to think about things. Tbe struggle for people like me ( and I’m sure millions of others) is application. Very hard to accept your own life when sometimes it seems like everyone else is having more fun and getting more out of life than you. Compound that with the inner tick in your head that you know you’re getting older and there is a receipe for a mid-life crisis, but at the very least, a hard depression. Your blog defintely makes you think twice about what’s important but like I said, application, especially during REALLY trying times is not always easy to do or remember. Great stuff!
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This blog hits home about what’s truly important in life; joy is not happiness and one must look inward in order to grow. So many life lessons in this blog Steven!
Just loved it!
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I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth. My ancestors is one who have high ranks in alta de sociedad. People thought I’m happy knowing that my family was powerful, well-known and i can easily get what i what. But one day, it all vanished. But i still manage to grow up being in the middle class. A happy-go-lucky person. Very open, vocal and confident. But at the end of the day, after i got home from a very wild party with friends, when i lay down in my bed, feeling my body so tired, i then come to think, is it all worth it? When i felt empty and sad deep inside.
When i become an adult, i find it hard to have a partner knowing i have trust issue problem. And i got envy seeing couples walking hand in hand, laughing and giggling. I always admire my parents and grandparents because i saw them grew old still feeling the love for each other. True happines is hard to find. That’s why more often i settled myself being happy seeing my loved ones happy. And thanks to you. I’m slowly, at least, changing my point of view. Thanks to your advises and small talks that we have. Although you find me weird and crazy, you still stayed and be my a friend i always wished i had.
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